Not long ago, I was given the opportunity to engage in dissent on the topic of suicide and express the views I’ve been meaning to share in written form for some time, thankfully the opportunity presented itself today. 
I’m probably all alone on this one but here goes.

“Suicide is a selfish act” is a statement I refute for a number of reasons, 
for the basis of this post i’ll focus on one; the literal meaning of the words.
If I must I’d rather call it an act on “self”.

Webster’s definition of selfish is “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure,
or well-being without regard for others”

To the average joe/plain jane there is nothing advantageous nor pleasurable about death, to the contrary you’ll find most fear it, even when it carries the false premise of liberation. This isn’t eating the last slice of cake or drinking the whole carton of juice we’re talking about, this is a being ending their own physical life.

Not only is it an incorrect generalisation (as most are), it’s voicing opinion as fact of some sort; making an assumption one had no regard for their role to others with little or no evidence to reinforce.
To those supporting the statement, on what basis did you draw your conclusion? 
A report detailing nothing more than the act of the afflicted you’ve been quick to pass judgement on, without any ounce of insight?
That says more about you & less about them.

At least once in our lifetimes we may have been playfully confronted with a scenario of having to end your life to save another,
“would you jump off a cliff to save your mother’s life?”  or another of the sort.
For illustrative purposes only, picture that scenario for real; a parent or anyone you hold dear, knowing it’s your life or theirs but knowing,
the very moment you take that step, there is no return. 

The point I’m making is this; albeit an unlikely scenario the mere thought should conjure unpleasant feelings (at least for me anyway), not so much of the decision faced but rather the difficulty of actively ending your own life, even if it means saving that of another you hold dear.
It’s no coincidence majority say they’d never be able to, given that scenario,
yet some discuss suicide as if it’s a simple matter or “the easy way out”.
 

From my experiences, “Suicide is a selfish act” is a statement made only by those with no proximity to the situation and it’s proven when it draws closer to home.
When Person A becomes a friend or family, suddenly the tone turns from
“How selfish” to “How sad”, yet the act is still the same…funny that.

Even funnier that empathy is supposedly the quality that defines the human being, yet so many seem to have missed the memo.

I’m far from accepting or agreeing with suicide, I’ve unfortunately lost a friend to the act and felt the pain on the faces of all those affected,
but it’s the pain you don’t see that hurts the most; the pain behind the smile painted for people who may never comprehend the depths of the darkness within.

It may seem valid to say some people have been subject to unpleasant acts such as rape, abuse or another form of affliction, yet they find hope to stay alive while others end their lives over “little” things like failed relationships or prank calls, 
but even then, that would be passing judgement based on one’s own perception of what the threshold for tolerance should be… how when it clearly differs from individual to individual?

The greatest irony of it all is, I’ve witnessed greater “selfishness” in those responding to suicide than those who’ve committed the act.
On numerous occasions I’ve heard people with the nerve to complain of their train being delayed because “some selfish person jumped on the tracks” Excuse me? 

Sorry you have to wait a few more minutes to sit in Starbucks with your pals,
sorry you won’t make the 9pm showing of the new Twilight, heck,
sorry you might even be late for work and it may be inconvenience but guess what? 
your life goes on; walk out, call a cab, you have life and the choice to do all you please, even if it is ridicule the deceased, unfortunately for those driven to the point of no return, albeit their decision to commit the act, they don’t

I’m probably all alone on this one, but for the sake of so-called-humanity, I hope not.
It’s a sad state of affairs when the same eyes fail to see the self in another.
 

- love&light -

I’m not afraid of dying, in fact, i’d welcome death with open arms. 
It would only be the genesis of a life elsewhere, away from humanity’s evils, besides, i’d finally get some answers to the questions i ask myself everyday.

The only thing I am afraid of is dying prematurely, because I truly feel my life has only just begun.
In my early teens I told myself “your life starts at 20” I didn’t know why then and I don’t now, but in the past year and some, I’ve learnt more about myself, life & others than in the 19 prior. I’ve come a long way but I’m only at the beginning of my path.

Some days I sit and reflect on the not-so-distant past and it’s like “woah, was that really me?” blinded by the superficial light of this world, shallow as hal, but I’m thankful all the same, I can see where I went wrong so I know how to do right.

One of my local rastas said something so simple to me that I cling to, it wasn’t the first time I heard it yet it meant all “life is all about growth, we all started from somewhere”
truest words.
I was in a different position spiritually and mentally two years ago, two years today I’ll be in a better place than I am now.
Nobody wakes up one day and finds themselves knowledgeable, spiritual or adept in any other form, it’s all about the process and that’s the joy of it.

I have a tendency to judge others by their flaws at times, once I see the bad in someone the red lights start flashing and I almost forget all good or their capacity to be; I know better because nobody’s perfect and i’m far from, we all try y’knw?

“Don’t be in a hurry to condemn because he doesn’t do what you do or think as you or as fast. There was a time when you didn’t know what you know today.” 
- Malcolm X 

At the end of the day I just wanna keep growing, better myself and those around me. 
“live, learn, create, inspire” that’s my mantra!

Have you ever felt the knowing you’re destined for something? Something beyond your own power, something so inescapable every decision you made believing to be of your own will was just another guided step on the path towards the inevitable, well, that makes two of us.

I don’t believe in coincidence (and neither should you),
once you start to notice everything happens for a reason, you begin to realise just how connected we all are on this earth.

Reflecting on life thus far it’s blindingly clear to see that every experience, every person i’ve met, has shaped me and aided in making the dots connect; where/what they’re leading to? I’m yet to discover…but how long can I wait for destiny?
 

Naturally my beliefs should spur action but there should be no action without belief, it’s like walking with a blindfold; I could argue I’m moving nonetheless, but could I tell you where I’m going?

Every man who had a dream took steps towards accomplishing it, on my journey there are parallel paths; the outer, predetermined towards destiny and the inner towards true self. I know in myself until I truly find my feet on the inner, both goals are far from fruition.

The world outside is a reflection of your world within, so it’s no surprise to me I look at current situations and see stagnancy, not for long though. I’m going back to the drawing board, realigning my focus, abstaining from vices and adhering to a daily routine of motivational practices.
 

The word for the next 28 days is Patience; 

• Patience to grow
• Patience to hold my beliefs & actions together
• Patience with time

Yet time itself is a confine.

When I imagined the “future” I saw it as a distant destination in “time”, a year opposed to 365 days, a minute opposed to 60 seconds. I’ve come to realise the future is merely the progression of the present, the next few seconds, tomorrow is today. 

*Deep breath*

I said, tellmeeee, what’s really goin oonnn? crtr back up in this thang i’m srfn; what’s happening?!

It’s a new week and whole new energy for me and frankly, it’s about time too.
Sometimes all you need in life is positive thinking to get you through and the rest falls into place.

Life’s been on the low since I lost my phone, and more important, an unbelieveable amount of art on it in Amsterdam two weeks ago. Instead of letting it be, knowing the reason behind it, I dug myself a ditch of despair and sat comfy in my coffin, bad idea.

Tumblr life has been even less inspiring if I’m honest. I used to love being here creating and just plain surfin’ with you all but truth be told, I don’t see the beauty in it anymore, I haven’t for a long time.

Inevitably though, when your spirit is broken there comes a moment you decide to pick up the pieces (unless you’re emo..shards are great for slit-…) and that moment came last night. Now I’ve been up since 8am smiling, laughing and smoothly two-stepping to my iTunes without a care in the world and it feels great being back, well..almost.

There’s just one thing left to do then life is as close to perfect as it can be. In the meanwhile, how about we put some beauty back into this thing eh?

F.C.

The more I see uneducated responses to the kony issue the angrier I get. I really have no time to hold negative emotions over something I can’t control so i’m secluding myself from the nonsense and pushing it aside, I have my own issues to handle. Am I comparing my “problems” to Uganda’s? not even close buddy, but charity starts at home. I feel as if I’ve been drifting off course recently, hence the lack/sporadicity of posts. having an excess of money clouded my perspective of what’s paramount in life, but now I’m broke i’m happy and ready to set sail again! (ain’t that weird?) i need to strike a balance sooner than later because I really don’t wanna be treading a contradictory path everyday, better to be poor in spirit than blindly rich in wealth. til the next wave. F.C.

Writing this latest piece could’ve been the hardest thing I’ve had to do in a while, thankfully it wasn’t.

After éxtasis and the humbling reception, I could’ve fallen under the pressure to make the next piece “better”…which means I probably wouldn’t have written another poem for a very long time ahahaha.

I had fun with this one though, it’s probably one of my favourites. I went back to my school daze and filled it all those literary devices my ol’ english teacher drilled into my brain (s/o to Mr. Thompson! Winchmore nga!)

I’m still an amateur in this poetry thang with a long way to go still, and the best advice I got was keep writing.

Enough about me though, without further ado,

A Dream Departed.

I can’t explain this feeling I’ve been feeling since I woke up this morning, words just can’t do it.

Everything just feels so right, it’s just bliss.

Damn, Erykah Badu just made me drop tears of joy, every song I’ve listened to today just moved me but wow, Ye-Yo just hit the spot again.

Since I can’t word how amazing everything is right now, here’s the best way to describe it.

¹soul

noun \ˈsōl\
1 : the immaterial essence, animating principle, or actuating cause of an individual life
2 a : the spiritual principle embodied in human beings, all rational and spiritual beings, or the universe

“Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul.” - Oscar Wilde

“Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.” - Lao Tzu

“The soul never thinks without a picture.” - Aristotle

“Thinking: the talking of the soul with itself.” - Plato

“Nowhere can man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul.” -
Marcus Aurelius

isyoursalive?

So just over an hour a go I came off the phone with lami, one of my best friends as you all know. We kinda had a really deep talk where I kinda opened up about my fears and laid out my dreams nstuff. As close as we are there’s still some things i never mention for whatever reason but today it seems i chose to bare it all.

I won’t divulge the details but it was quite eye-opening, it kinda shook me up a bit and threw me into a pool of thought, trust me.. i almost drowned.

Instead of wallowing in self-pity i thought i’d shake off the stress and take a quick walk around. In those 10 short minutes I did something I haven’t done in a while, spoke to the man upstairs. It was brief but boy was it full of meaning and it surprised me cuz i’m the least bit religious and least is an understatement.

After that I thought I’d chill out the proper way & hit up some herb, i’m on my last j but i thought fuck it, i need this nga right now hahaha. Headed out to the grdn, music in hand, joint in the otha and relaxed. You know I always gotta have music on to match my mood so I had to find sumn, I thought “Imma fuck wit Drake, that nga always sad bout sumn” and flicked thru my phone, unfortunately a few days ago I accidentally (don’t know how, don’t ask) deleted a heap of songs off my phone, the whole of my Jay-Z (wtf?! I replaced it right afta tho) and some otha shit, Thank Me Later included. The only song left was The Resistance so I thought yeah why not, I fuck wit this shit.

The next 3:45 was the deepest shit ever, it’s like Young Aubs was listening to my phone conversation and decided to put that shit in song cuz I was relating to almost every line. I’ve always loved that song & album but I’ve never related more to it than in that moment.

I picked out some lines that stood out most to me.

“What am I afraid of, this is s’posed to be what dreams are made of”

“Man I couldn’t tell you where the fuck my head is, I’m holdin on by a thread it’s like I’m high right now, the guy right now, and you can tell by looking in my eyes right now, that nothing really comes as a surprise right now, cuz we just havin’ the time of our lives right now and it’s on”

“Did I just trade free time for camera time? Will I blow all of this money baby Hammer Time, I just need some closure, ain’t no turnin back for me I’m in it til it’s over”

That song mixed wit the phonecall just made it all hit home nahmean, I’m in a position where I could really achieve something great y’know? What am I doing sitting back? This is me right now, no turning back til I reach the damn finish line and I better see all of you there too!!

F.C.

This time last year I was probably doing fuck else, probably sleeping in as usual, fast forward a year I’m having conversations over white wine discussing which celebrities we plan on interviewing next, funny how much can happen in a year right?

If anybody ever told me I’d be sitting down with the likes of Fabolous, Ginuwine, Big Sean, etc I’d tell em to pipe down, but here I am, living out what some would call a dream.

The funniest part of it all is I predicted this, 4-5 years ago I told myself “Your life is gonna begin at 20” and sure enough, since I turned 20 on Feb 1st this year, nothing but amazing opportunities have presented themselves.

I’m nothing but grateful for the people around me and all they’ve done to make that statement I made 4-5 years ago a reality but it’s not enough for me. Don’t get it wrong I’m very thankful, but it’s almost all been given to me, imagine all I could achieve if I went out and grabbed life by its horns?

My biggest flaws are A. I’m incredibly lazy. B. I have too much pride.
Sometimes I think to myself “I could call any PR in the Nation and say “I work for *insert company here*, we want to interview your artist” and I could make it happen…yet I don’t, why? Then I look around at everyone on my team and all the networks we have, Atlantic Records, MTV, BBC, everything. My Editor Ra’ed always tells me “Femi, this can be you, if you ever want anything, any job, just ask”…yet I don’t, why?

Something in me hates the thought of asking for favours, I wanna be Mr. Icandoitallbymyself when really there’s no shame in a little help. Put anybody in the position I’m lucky to be in today and they’d definitely make more of it than I do, have I even realised how big the door in front of me is?

I had a humbling moment today, after our team meeting myself, Ra’ed and another editor called Natalie, both older than I went for some drinks and Ra’ed said
“Sometimes I forget you’re much younger than I am, I talk to you like you’re my age, You have great qualities in you I wish I had” and I just thought woah…

To hear that from somebody I look up to, someone who’s on a much higher level than I am, it just silenced me (I couldn’t hide the smile on my face though) Then Nat agreed and said “Just from hearing you speak a moment ago I can sense the maturity in you” and it totally took me back a bit.

It’s great to have people like that around you, people who motivate and sharpen you and sometimes they don’t even know it. I can’t stress how grateful I am even though I may not show it at times, I love my family and I want us all to be able to look back on our humble beginnings from the top one day, it’s up to me now to decide if I’ll make this simply a year to remember or just the beginning.

F.C.

I don’t know what on earth to do with mine.

As you can see I got a lil curly fro which is cool & all, me & Aubrey bringin em back I guess, but I haven’t decided what I wanna do!

One thing’s for sure, I’m not cutting it any time soon.

At the start of the year I said I was eitha growin my hightop back or growin dreads (which I’m serious about) but I haven’t decided yet. I’m bout 55% leaning for the hightop only cuz it’s easier to manage, Am I gonna have the “OMG look I’m sooooo retro” type or more like The Weeknd’s? Either way I’m prepared for the comments, the “he thinks he’s” and the “hightops are so *insert stupid comment here*”

How bout I put deeeez nuuuuts in ya mouth so you can stfu with your irrelevant opinion? :)

Although I do miss the waves I had, this chapter of my life is called “trendyurbanwriter/poemsforwomendude” and somehow a skinfade jus doesn’t show that. I mean yo, imagine Basquiat ditched that crazy shit on his head for a perm or sumn, and I know that India.Arie’s prolly singin “I am not my hair” somewhere right now and tbh she’s probably correct but hey, I just want something diff that’s all

(Wait…how about that perm?)

F.C.

So I’ve been on a mini hiatus, I’m back now and feeling better than ever! There was a void I needed to fill, turned out to be a creative one so I turned to the only inspiration that’s never failed, music.

I literally locked myself in my room, lights off and listened to Bon Iver albums all day, the result? Memoirs & Meditations.

Turns out Justin Vernon (the singer) had a lil situation himself at one point where he needed some kinda escape, so he went back to his hometown of Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Turns out it was great for him cuz he ended up recording an amazing album called For Emma, Forever Ago which happened to be my stimulus.

I just kinda became fascinated by everything and decided I also wanted to be in Eau Claire, so I revamped my old blog and turned it into a page of memoirs chronicling the story of a Male from Madison, Wisconsin who moves to Eau Claire and his life thereafter and thus Memoirs & Meditations was born.

I haven’t thought of any plots, I’m just going with the flow for now with each writing and it’s turning out great, check it out!

F.C.

y’know what?………. I’m a weirdo, and proud. My train of thought is on some next shit, like foreal…some NEXT shit and I love it!

I talk to myself a lot, it’s fuckin amazing, I’m even talkin to myself right now “Sup Floss!” wadduppp my ngaaaaa!

You see, I don’t really care about perception cuz 90% of the time that’s just your bullshit opinion cuz you ain’t had the time to dig deeper than the surface nahmean?

Perception is a killer when really it shouldn’t matter that much. Of course you wanna wanna be held in some kinda esteem every now and again but yo, when you desire that so much that you put on some front, and the “real you” becomes a facade, problem.

Keep it real man! I mean sure these “friends” might feel that nga that you tryna be and that might bring you some kinda joy, but when you’re alone and you take a look at the reflection in the mirror, the REAL you, you gotta ask yourself, “is it worth it?”

I could insert a zillion quotes about being original but that’s just gay, you’ve heard em enough and the last thing I want is this to be another cliche post. I ain’t even tryna kick knowledge, this post literally started off with “I’m a weirdo” then it jus kinda transformed into this lool, anyway, tis’ all for now, danke schon.

F.C.

They shudda let dave cam stay on holiday, what’s he gon do? Come and wave his magic wand and fix everything? Its HIS fault shit’s been fucked up, he’s jus back cuz it looks bad, “the prime minister is on holiday while London riots”. Nga this shit been happening for three days, three whole days and you only come back now? Yeah you really care about the mess you made. Wtf u gonna do? Better yet, what can you do?

“Don’t stop the music man, what are you doing?! you never stop the music!”

Something along those lines were the words Jay-Z uttered in “Fade to Black” and they’ve stuck with me ever since.

For me, listening to music is never just that, no matter the song or artist. I find myself in another dimension, a space away from my surroundings where it’s just me and the music. I hear every chord, every strum of the guitar, every note, every harmony, it’s almost like if I closed my eyes I could see the music in colour. For that reason, I’m one of those people who hate to be disturbed with headphones in my ears, why? because you’ve disconnected me from my world, and for what purpose? to ask me an irrelevant question? tell me about something way less important? its not worth my rage you see.

Even now, from the moment I woke I’ve been plugged in to my haven, Oasis & Coldplay have equally warmed my soul and not a single person in my house has disturbed me, which I love.

The thing I love most about Music is its ability to leave an everlasting mark in just a few minutes or even seconds. It transcends everything, social barriers, cultures, languages, everything. I remember the first time I heard Monsieur Nov - Tous Les Jours Tous Les Soirs a love-song I presume, sang entirely in French. I didn’t understand a word he said but it didn’t matter, I could feel the soul in his voice and that was enough, translating his words may have given clarity, but what is clarity without resonance?

Another moment which stands out for me was the 25th of March, I was front row at The Script concert singing along word-for-word to every song that night like a true fan, I remember one moment vividly, during the performance Danny O’ Donoghue (the frontman) came to the edge of the stage and looked through the crowd. He saw me standing there, one of the very few black faces in attendance singing along without a care in the world and he smiled, he smiled and nodded at me, I couldn’t believe it.

I nodded back in complete awe, we shared an acknowledgment. He acknowledged me being there, almost an outcast, but one who didn’t care, I was just there for the music, the music he wrote for all of us, not for the Irish, the caucasians or whoever, for us as a whole, the listeners. I stood there and acknowledged he put every bit of his soul into those words he sang and to see me singing back with as much passion as he had was all that mattered.

It’s amazing how a song lyric can take you back to a specific moment or evoke emotions you’d prefer to hold in, the lyrics by a stranger scribbled on paper however many miles away somehow turn into your own memoirs, the ability to connect with a song, the feeling of a distant but yet so familiar scenario depicted in song resonating deep within is a feeling next to none, that’s what I love most about Music.

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like Music without emotion or better yet “soul”. A lot of the time I find myself listening to “real” Hip-Hop, Indie/Rock and Neo-Soul because most of these songs are driven by some kind of emotion. A lot of people pollute their brain with “trap music” and that nonsense. As much as everyone is entitled to like whatever they please, what is your reason for it? What do you gain from it? Everything has an effect, if it isn’t positive then surely it’s negative. What’s positive about listening to Rapper A talk about killing, drugs etc 24/7? Then comes the “Music doesn’t affect me like that” argument, well some indeed may be able to listen to all that nonsense and feel no way, but hey if I was some gangbanging thug about to commit a crime, I’m more likely listening to Rapper A’s “This is so cliche, I’m talking bout guns again” Vol 3 than some Illadelph Halflife nahmean?

I guess at the end of the day it comes down to your own connection with the Music, but the most important thing is that connection. Its a great feeling to have and one I never wanna lose, don’t stop the music man, don’t stop the music.

F.C.